November 22, 2010 Emotional Stew

Today is the anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. I was just a little girl when the television announcer interrupted regular programming with the news, but I well remember being bundled into the car with my mother to go to school and pick up my big sister. It was a time of national tragedy—not the last I would observe in my own lifetime, or the greatest, but certainly my first experience with seeing the adults around me so affected by the death of a person they had never met.

A friend of mine was a new mother when she heard the news while scrubbing her kitchen floor, and she dissolved into tears. Her life had been full of difficulties, suffering, abuse, neglect, yet she had never shed tears for herself. Now, alone on the linoleum, hearing the radio’s somber report, she began to sob. All the heartache building up for two decades overflowed.

This has been an emotional week for me, but for no apparent reason. I heard of someone’s work woes in another state and teared up. A dog was lost; I cried. A completely unrelated situation dissolved into a flashback regarding something that occurred thirty years ago and it was all I could do to fight back the emotion that suddenly welled up. I hurt for friends who were hurting, boohooed at a teacher’s conference, excused myself from a group of people to go off by myself and cry in the hallway.

Hormones? Stress? The stubborn and permanent undercurrent of grief that is always just under the surface? Vitamin deficiency? What was wrong with me?

Actually, nothing. Emotions are not wrong. Or right. They just are. It’s what we do with them that brings positive or negative consequences. Christians sometimes downplay the importance of emotions, lumping them in with the flesh (bad flesh! bad! bad! die to the flesh!) forgetting that God himself is a God of emotions.

The 19th century writer and preacher Charles Finney wrote that “the Bible ascribes love, hatred, anger, repentance, grief, compassion, indignation, abhorrence, patience, long-suffering, joy and every other affection and emotion of a moral being, to God.” The Psalms and writings of the Old Testament prophets are especially profound in their descriptions of God’s heart rejoicing over his people’s return to him…or grieving over their betrayal and rejection of his love.

The Bible also has a lot to say about our emotions, which makes sense. We are made in God’s image. If he is an emotional being, so am I.

I for one, take great comfort in this. Some ideologies try to promote a worship of God that is innately cerebral. Yawn. The God who created duck-billed platypuses (platypi?), rainbows, blue morpho butterlies, constellations, and sex is not a God of drudging dreariness. We try to limit God to so many words on a page while he calls us to look up as he paints a sunset. He delights over us! He wants us to delight in him! Delighting is an emotional experience!

Other emotions are not as welcome when they show up, but they are no less important, no less valid. I’m thinking that in God’s design, the sadder side of emotion has a cleansing purpose. “A broken and contrite heart” the psalmist wrote, “God will not despise” (Psalm 51:17). The woman scrubbing her floor had never addressed the deep pain within her, had never gone to counseling, had never “opened up” about the tragedies of her childhood or those she faced at that time. Kennedy’s death lifted the lid off her emotional box, so to speak.

This week, maybe that’s what happened on a smaller scale in my own life. Perhaps once in awhile our emotions need to overflow as a stopgap—not a substitute for dealing with the deeper issues in our lives, but a temporary device to let off a little steam until such time as we, with God’s grace, are called to devote the necessary time and attention to them.

It’s never just about the Hallmark commercial.

November 8, 2010 As We Think, So We Are

Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is naturally quiet. After 33 years of marriage, I am more likely to be the one who speaks up, but this wasn’t always the case.

Before we got married, before we had so much as dated a single time, David came over to my house with our minister. I didn’t know David, had just seen him at church. Plus he is much, much older. It wouldn’t have been unusual for any teenaged girl to be a bit shy under such circumstances.

And did I mention I’d just had four wisdom teeth taken out, didn’t know company was coming, and looked like something the proverbial cat had dragged in?

I answered the door; my minister took the chair and picked up the newspaper, leaving David and I to either stand or sit together on the couch. We sat. The minister read. If there had been a clock ticking, it would have been the loudest sound in the room.

After a few minutes (or seconds...whatever) the minister lowered the newspaper and said, “If you two ever get married, your kids will be mute.” The hole I prayed would appear so I could fall through it never materialized. They left. To state the obvious, we eventually did get married, and proving the minister was no prophet, the kids could indeed speak.

I was quiet and shy, but I adapted to marriage to a quiet man by become more vocal. I also learned that when a quiet man speaks, it pays to listen. Closely. This weekend, he opened his mouth to speak about something he had seen on television that I found intriguing.

Apparently studies have shown that the brain has distinct areas, and that a person’s thought process sends signals between these areas in a unique sequence. No one person’s thinking follows the same pattern as another’s. My first thought was that there had to a finite number of combinations, but it’s not a matter of one combination. The combination changes with each thought at a rate of 400 billion actions per second.

Our thoughts are translated into chemicals. Scientists talk about the trees of the brain. We “grow” trees with our thoughts. They are real, they take up residence in our bodies, and result in actions and more related thoughts. Good thoughts brings good choices. The “default” of the human brain is positive. We are wired, so to speak, to love.

Bad thoughts, however, highjack the God-given order. Chemicals go out of balance. Anger, abuse, frustration, fear…these negative thoughts are not the way we were created to think, so they mess things up. Before we come to Christ, however, and even beyond, negative thoughts may dominate.
Are we stuck with them? Hardly, the scripture that tells us to “be transformed by the renewing of your minds” (Romans 12:2). If the word tells us to do something, it must be possible to obey. We can have our minds transformed from the “new” default of negativity back to the original intent of the Creator. How? The Bible says to think on “whatever is true…honorable…right…pure…lovely…of good repute…(things) of excellence …(things that are) worthy of praise” (Philippians 4:8).

Not a matter of positive thinking or visualizing world peace, it is a matter of obedience to God’s word. The fact that obedience also brings added health benefits physically, relationally, emotionally, in all ways…that’s the icing on the cake.

“As a man thinks within himself, so he is” (Proverbs 23:7) David’s interest in what he had heard about the brain led me to look into the subject a little further…which led me back to the word of God. Didn’t I tell you it paid to listen to him?

Permission to use with acknowledgement of source.

Oct. 25 Stuff Middle-aged Christian Mothers Don't Like

Christians are notorious for taking themselves too seriously, so I would encourage you to check out Jonathan Acuff's bestseller Stuff Christians Like. Here's what his website (http://stuffchristianslike.net/ ) has to say:

Sometimes, we fall in love on mission trips even though we know we’ll break up when we get back.
Sometimes, you have to shot block a friend’s prayer because she’s asking God to bless an obviously bad dating relationship.
Sometimes, you think, “I wish I had a t-shirt that said ‘I direct deposit my tithe’ so people wouldn’t judge me.”
Sometimes, the stuff that comes with faith is funny. This is that stuff.

Jonathan Acuff’s Stuff Christians Like is your field guide to all things Christian. Like a satirical grenade, Acuff brings us the humor and honesty that galvanized 730,000 online readers from 209 countries in a new portable version. Welcome to the funny side of faith.

His website gives info on the book and upcoming speaking engagements, as well as his blogs. Not only is Acuff relevant and funny (and nice looking), he is an avid blogger. I blog once every two weeks. He apparently blogs every two minutes. And in between blogs, he's on Twitter: http://twitter.com/prodigaljohn . Acuff is also relatively young to be so gynomormously successful; after meeting Jon and his mother at the Dave Ramsey Live event held in Raleigh, NC on October 16, I'm pretty sure his mother deserves some of the credit.

Despite this sounding, thus far, like one more puff piece for the current "in" celeb, I felt compelled to write because...I can hardly believe it myself...little ole' me is the subject not only of one of Jonathan Acuff's tweats, but a blog as well. Are you impressed?

When the incident in question occurred, he was so taken aback he mentioned posting something on Twitter, but since I don't tweet, how would I know? Today, though, I thought I'd check itout. Just in case. And whaddaya know...

I'm the only author who had a book returned cause the autograph wasn't good enough. What did I write? http://bit.ly/bTyqbQ 12:03 PM Oct 18th via web

The link takes you back to the blog, #877 to be exact: Awkward Prayer Moments. You can read it for yourself, but he relates fairly accurately what happened. (Spoiler alert for two of my kids: if you're reading this, you now know I've bought you a copy of Stuff Christians Like for your upcoming birthdays. Hope you enjoy it!)

Frankly, I'm still reeling from the fact that Acuff calls me a "woman in her 50s." So he got the age range right...couldn't he have said something instead like "an attractive, intelligent-looking woman aging extremely well"? Something a little less bland?

Acuff signed the first book "Your mom is awesome." I was appropriately charmed, figuring he'd write the same thing for the second one, but no, he decided to bump the Clever up a notch: "Your mom told me you're her favorite." He handed it to me, perhaps surprised I didn't gush my thanks. I turned and walked away, getting about ten steps before I realized I just couldn't do it. I couldn't.

I didn't think he would mind (being gynormously successful) but I also didn't expect to become the Poster Child for families in need of prayer. I suppose it could be worse, though. And my family does indeed need prayer (as does his and yours and all God's children's) .

When I told him I couldn't give the book with that inscription, he made a joke about praying for family peace. He seemed to assume that the reason I returned the book was because it might start a ruckus among the siblings, which wasn't even close. I did manage to tell him I hoped he'd come across another buyer wanting the same name written in the inscription; he heartily agreed. (Although, in the blog, he mentions keeping it around to prevent him getting "too big for (his) britches.")

Acuff's blog expresses remorse offended me, which I appreciate. I wasn't so much offended as I was sure that what he had written was inappropriate. Maybe not for some families, but for mine. I wanted to explain to him why, but could feel emotion rising--there's not much more emotional than a woman in their 50s, but he might not realize that yet. There was a crowd, he was busy, the idea was to sell books, etc.

I would have liked to tell him, though, so now I will:

I have four children, not two, all of whom I love very much. Each one, in many and unique ways, has brought joy to my heart. Each has made me, on innumerable occasions, thankful to be his mom, her mom. My oldest son is a police officer, putting himself in harm's way for the good of his community. My oldest daughter is a single mother with challenging health issues who has blessed us with two incredible live-in grandkids. My youngest daughter is a veteran, army wife, currently back in college and a terrific wife and mother to our youngest grandchild. My youngest son died ten years ago after a car accident at the age of sixteen, and I miss him so much. Every day.

Would you want to take it upon yourself to decide which of those kids is my favorite? I think not.

Acuff meant nothing by his comment...judging from the line at his book table, he'd probably written the same thing many times already that day...but words do mean something. Always. I wasn't willing to hurt...even in jest...one of my children just because a writer whom I do not know and who does not know me or my children or our particular stories, joys, and heartaches was trying to be cute. My kids are worth more than that.

I love...love, love, love... humor, satire, wit, parody, comedy. I can LOL with the best of 'em. And Acuff is genuinely funny. I heartily endorse him, wish him (and his commenters who think I have no sense of humor) well, very well indeed. I pray God's gynormous-est blessings on all things Acuff. Buy his book, follow him on Twitter, read his blogs.

And if you want an autograph from someone who inspired one...just let me know.

This blog is a ministry of Crossroads Church in Lillington, NC but don't blame them for it! Permission to reprint with acknowledgement of source.

October 11 When the Pastor's Happy, Everybody's Happy

*Note – While I realize that there are many, many female pastors, my own pastor is male, and it becomes awkward to continually write (or read) “he (or she)” for the sake of inclusiveness. I have chosen to use “he”. My apologies to the offended.

When you think of October, you may immediately conjure up visions of pumpkins and trick or treating. I am not a fan of Halloween, with the emphasis on death and fear and greed, but there are aspects of it I have learned to tolerate for the sake of grandkids and church traditions. In a few weeks, I will dress in costume and man the registration table at Crossroads Church’s annual Fall Festival and have just as good a time as anyone…but don’t come to my house for candy on the 31st because there won’t be any (granted, living a mile off the hard road makes this a more socially acceptable choice).

October is also, since 1994 (when Focus on the Family took the idea and ran with it) National Clergy Appreciation Month. If you need help coming up with ideas of how you can show your pastor that you appreciate him I’d be surprised, but there are several websites that give tips such as letters, card showers, covered dish dinners, flowers, etc.

Like other Hallmark-type holidays, it would be easy to substitute a yearly acknowledgement (e.g. Mother’s Day) for consistent, regular appreciate for those who serve. Better yet, do both! When the pastor’s message hits home, let him know. Take him out to dinner once in awhile. Make an appointment when you need to talk, rather than assuming he will be at your beck and call. Tell him “thank you.” AND during October find a way to creatively express that ongoing appreciation, which if you’ve been appreciative throughout the year, will be like the proverbial icing on the cake.

Focus on the Family believes that Paul actually had the idea of Pastor Appreciation:

“The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double
honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching” (1 Timothy
5:17).

“Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard
among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in
the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each
other.” (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13).

“Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor” ( Romans 13:7).

As a congregant, I like what the writer of Hebrews had to say:“Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you” (13:17).


Not every pastor is as knowledgeable, articulate, humorous, caring, and creative as mine (Ken Dalton! at Crossroads Church in Lillington, North Carolina! with his lovely and talented wife Vanessa!) but few pastors go into that line of work because of the benefits. Like doctors, they are always “on call.” Like teachers, there are hours of preparation behind the scene. Like members of your family, they are available to reach out to people at their greatest times of need or rejoicing. Like celebrities and politicians, their lives take on a fishbowl quality, with hundreds of people watching…not only to see the pastor and his family model the Christian life…but to see how they do not. It wouldn’t be the most comfortable way to live, the cushiest job.

I think it’s safe to say that the majority of ministers, pastors, clergy, whatever you want to call them. are where they are because of a fundamental belief that (1) God has called them to the task, and (2) they can make a difference in people’s lives and for the Kingdom of God.

Note my italics in that Hebrews passage – the work of church leadership should be joyful to them, which in turn, is an advantage to the rest of us. Honoring our leaders is like doing ourselves a favor!

Finally, a special word to those in the minority, whose leaders are manipulative, dishonest, or predatory: There is a respect for the position, if not the person, that is appropriate… right up until the time a congregation can successfully vote him out (or have him arrested, as the case may be). As someone who has sat under such authority, I feel your pain …and would remind you that there are always avenues of change: scriptural communication to resolve problems, secular law enforcement, whatever is called for…and if those don’t work, you can always walk out the door. Find another church- odds are, you’ll find a pastor who embodies the word and preaches the Word.

Permission to use with acknowledgement of source.

September 27, 2010 A Faithful Advocate

Sometimes it really helps who you know.

In the 17th century, God blessed a man by the name of Gian Lorenzo Bernini with incredible artistic abilities. Heir apparent of Michelangelo, Bernini is best known for sculptures such as Apollo and Daphne and The Rape of Prosperpine, but he was also sought out by the Church and nobility for his paintings and architecture. One of his most beautiful works, however, was neither commissioned by pope nor created for payment. His bust of Costanza Buonarelli (or Bonarelli), shown here, captures the beauty of a “regular” woman, not a mythical figure or heavenly host. Costanza was, in fact, Bernini’s mistress.

Bernini openly insulted Costanza’s husband (his assistant), thus making the affair public. To make matters worse, Costanza was suspected of also having an affair with Bernini’s brother—Bernini sent someone to her home who savagely cut her face. But it was Costanza who was arrested and imprisoned for adultery.

The Pope himself, Urban VIII at the time, stepped in on Bernini’s behalf, not wanting to lose his sought-after services. His penance, instead, was to settle down and marry. Apparently Bernini changed his ways—his marriage lasted 34 years and produced 11 children.

It is a tragic tale of love gone terribly wrong, with devastating consequences, but it is also the story of a man with helpful connections. Not to in any way excuse Bernini’s actions, but if you’re going to completely mess up your life, you would be wise to know someone powerful enough to speak up for you, smooth ruffled feathers, calm the turbulent waters.

I submit that we are, each one of us, more like Gian Lorenzo Bernini than we might be comfortable with. Perhaps our sins are not so public. Perhaps they are not so hurtful. The truth is, however, that we are all guilty before a pure and holy God. We have all sinned, Romans 3:23 tells us, and fallen short of his glory. James 2:10 goes on to say that “whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it” (NIV).

Costanza had no powerful connections to keep her from prison. Bernini’s talent assured him of friends in very high places. What about us?

C. H. Spurgeon (1834-92) wrote of our own “connection” this way:

"If any man sin, we have an advocate." Yes, though we sin, we have Him still.
John does not say, "If any man sin he has forfeited his advocate," but "we have an advocate," sinners though we are. All the sin that a believer ever did, or can be allowed to commit, cannot destroy his interest in the Lord Jesus Christ, as his advocate. The name here given to our Lord is suggestive. "Jesus." Ah!
then He is an advocate such as we need, for Jesus is the name of one whose business and delight it is to save. "They shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins." His sweetest name implies His success. Next, it is "Jesus Christ" Christos, the anointed. This shows His authority to plead. The Christ has a right to plead, for He is the Father's own appointed advocate and elected priest. If He were of our choosing He might fail, but if God hath laid help upon one that is mighty, we may safely lay our trouble where God has laid His help. He is Christ, and therefore authorized; He is Christ, and therefore qualified, for the anointing has fully fitted Him for His work. He can plead so as to move the heart of God and prevail. What words of tenderness, what sentences of persuasion will the anointed use when He stands up to plead for me! One more letter of His name remains, "Jesus Christ the righteous." This is not only His character BUT His plea. It is His character, and if the Righteous One
be my advocate, then my cause is good, or He would not have espoused it. It is
His plea, for He meets the charge of unrighteousness against me by the plea that
He is righteous. He declares Himself my substitute and puts His obedience to my
account. My soul, thou hast a friend well fitted to be thine advocate, He cannot
but succeed; leave thyself entirely in His hands.

Costanza’s actions led to dire consequences, and apparently she was indeed guilty of many things. Even so, a cry of “unfair!” springs to our lips upon hearing her tale. Perhaps Costanza cried out to her heavenly advocate within prison walls, receiving forgiveness and hope. All that is known of her on earth is the bust sculpted by her famous once-upon-a-time lover, but I’d like to think that God in his mercy reached down to comfort her at her point of greatest need and drew her lovingly to himself. Her face is famous only through Bernini, but her heart…like each person’s on earth…is known to God.

We who know we have been forgiven by the shed blood of Christ should be the last to need forgiveness again, but we are in almost perpetual need through our thoughts, actions, and words. Thanks be to God for an Advocate who stands with us before the Judge and says, “This one is mine. Remember? I have already paid for that in full.”

Permission to use with acknowledgement of source.

September 13, 2010 The Gift that Gives Back

When I applied for a teaching position at a small denominational school in Florida, the first question the principal asked concerned my salvation; the second, speaking in tongues. “I’m grateful to have a spiritual language,” I said, “but I don’t think it will be an issue.” Happily, the principal was a man who, while holding to a fairly narrow interpretation of scripture in theory, said he also, in practice, couldn’t argue with experience. Just because he hadn’t spoken in tongues, he wisely realized that it didn’t follow no one else had either. In three years at the school, the subject never came up again…although I must confess that a little pamphlet in the school library teaching that tongues are “of the devil” will only be found if very, very heavy bookcases are ever moved.

Speaking in tongues is one of those Bible topics we don’t often hear outside of certain denominations (or non-denominations), but the hoo-hah is entirely of our own making. The Bible certainly didn’t cause it.

Paul wrote to early Corinthian Christians that God imparts several spiritual gifts to the Church. In two lists, we find words of wisdom, words of knowledge, faith to meet needs, gifts of healing, miraculous powers, prophecy, discerning of spirits, speaking in tongues, interpreting tongues, apostolic ministry, teaching, helping, and administration. Paul’s Ephesians 4:11 focuses on leadership, listing apostles, prophets, evangelists, and pastors and teachers.

Even back then, tongues caused controversy. The majority of 1 Corinthians 14 deals with the issue, not –as some might prefer—to squash the speaking of tongues, but to encourage what Paul saw as the more corporately edifying gift of prophecy. I ask you—in churches that rail against tongues, are they also promoting prophecy as the norm? I think not.

The problem comes, I believe, from verse 40: “Everything should be done decently and in order.” Modern churches tend to emphasize the “decently and in order” whereas Paul leaned more toward “Everything (including tongues and prophecy) should be done.”

Our culture is very different from Paul’s, obviously. An hour or hour and a half service once a week doesn’t lend itself to the kind of spontaneous expressions the early Church evidently enjoyed:

What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church” (1 Corinthians 14:26)

Even in a small congregation, this would take a pretty long time! My point is that Paul considered speaking in tongues a normal part of worship. We can waltz around it by quoting verses out of context, but there’s not much leeway with 14:39: “Therefore, my brothers, be eager to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues.” That, given current time parameters, would more likely use the gift in personal prayer in no way makes it less desirable.

So, we’ve established that speaking in tongues is valid. Does it also follow that this particular gift is necessary?

I think not.

Two accounts of new believers mention tongues as evidence of the Holy Spirit coming upon them (Acts 10 and 19), but they also mention prophecy and praise. How could we require one gift (tongues) but not the others? All of the spiritual gifts are from God: “It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have” (1 Corinthians 12:11, New Living Translation). Better to seek God’s face, rather than his hand, and leave the gift question to him.

Recently a friend of mine announced she was starting a new Bible study for women. Everyone, with one marked exception, thought this a wonderful idea. One woman—whose gifting is apparently that of throwing cold water on the fires of enthusiasm—chose an offensive line of questioning (both pronunciations of the word apply): “Do you speak in tongues?” In her opinion, leaders of Bible studies should be so-equipped. My friend should wait on that study, in other words, until she measured up.

I’m thinking……no. Although it’s possible this person received new revelation, I feel safer going with Paul and the Bible.

Tongues sound foolish, as any language we don’t understand sounds like gibberish. It’s outside the mind. The Bible says it is “uttering mysteries.” It’s also desirable, at least to Paul (and, presumably, to God), who said, “I would like everyone to speak in tongues.” He even boasted that he spoke in tongues more than “you all” (proof he was a southerner at heart.) Tongues edify the speaker, building him or her up—and who doesn’t need to built up? Praise lifts God up. Prophecy teaches those who hear. Tongues give back to the speaker, the Spirit praying things for us we are completely clueless about. Cool.

The Corinthians were trying to out-gift one another, so Paul put things in perspective, telling them to yes, eagerly desire spiritual gifts, but “I will show you a more excellent way…”that no matter what, love was what they should seek (1 Corinthians 13). The Ephesians were trying to learn how to love one another too. So may be we all….which means I suppose I should be lovingly praying for the woman who upset my friend instead of what comes naturally to mind.

Speaking of the super-natural, a friend of mine with white blonde hair and a rather plump physique once got a job around Christmas as a store Santa. A little girl who couldn’t speak English climbed up on his lap, looking sad and lonely. He didn’t know what to do or say but felt led to pray quietly in tongues for the child. To his surprise, she looked up with a big grin and answered him….in her own language.

Is our God awesome, or what?

Permission to reprint with acknowledgement of source.

August 30, 2010 Killer Communication

In today's language, “killer” can mean really good (killer idea! Yay!) or really bad (well, that kills that great idea). Good communication, however, isn’t just a great idea…it’s necessary in order to maintain relationships. No wonder the Bible has so much to…communicate…about communication. Here is just a small sample:

“Just say a simple, 'Yes, I will,' or 'No, I won't.' Anything beyond this is from the evil one”
(Matthew 5:37).

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Colossians 4:6).

“Instead, by speaking the truth in love, we will grow up completely and become one with the head, that is, one with the Messiah” (Ephesians 4:15).

“But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery
hell” (Matthew 5:22 ).

“But now you also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth” (Colossians 3:8).

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”(Ephesians 4:29).

Poor communication can cause a myriad of difficulties. When poor communication, whether expressed through misunderstandings, arguments, sarcasm, deceitfulness, etc., leads to a complete break-down in communication – one or both parties will no longer communicate at ALL – you’ve got a real mess. How can a relationship possibly be mended under such circumstances?

Recently I attempted to communicate with a fellow believer face to face. Some things are just better talked about in person; it's difficult to convey your heart via email –tone of voice, a certain look in the eyes, body language – all of these are vital to getting a complete “read” of a situation. Instead of an appointment, however, messages were sent back and forth…more communication about the lack of communication which ultimately communicated a decision to end communication!

Although there was disappointment involved, there was also a “freeing up.” I’d done what I could do, what the Lord had led me to do, in terms of waiting, reaching out, praying, trying to keep lines open. It isn’t the only relationship in which this has happened – people have free wills. If they don’t want to talk, they don’t have to. Sometimes, as my son says, you just have to say, “Forget it” (or words to that effect). Back off. Let the Lord work without your “help.” It’s not all about you – he may be trying to do something in the other person’s heart that, for the time being anyway, a relationship with you hinders.

My granddaughter has stopped me short on more than one occasion by asking if I meant something, or if I’m just being sarcastic. Sarcasm has its place – there are instances in the Bible when God himself is sarcastic – but it can also be hurtful, which is decidedly out of place.

Proverbs tells us that “life and death are in the power of the tongue” (18:21). Is what I’m saying bringing life to the hearer? Life to a conversation or relationship? Life to myself? If not, I need to remind myself that I am actually speaking death. How many children wouldn’t bear scars, how many marriages might be saved, how many friendships could be mended, how many political messes solved, if we would all speak life, rather than death. No more gossip or insults, no more put-downs or lies, no more ridicule or deception.

Philippians 4:8 is sort of the “end all” verse to godly thought, and since what comes out of our mouths starts in the brain, it certainly applies to our speech:

“Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence or if
anything worthy of praise, let you mind dwell on these things.”

We don’t have to be great orators or writers to learn to communicate clearly and positively. We do have to want to. We do have to make it a priority. Sometimes we might be tempted to excuse poor communication skills with “well, that’s just who I am” or excuse others because that’s “just their personality.” We can be certain, however, that the biblical mandates for godly communication apply to everyon who looks to the Bible for instruction and guidance.

Someone has said that you can get along with anyone on the face of the earth if you’re humble enough. A little humility is often key to good “killer” communication. Without it, negativity is all too ready to take over….and kill the relationship altogether.




Permission to use with acknowledgement of source.