It had been a busy end of the year, followed by a busy beginning in 2009. Out of town, alone in a hotel room waiting for an airport shuttle to whisk me back to reality, I had taken part in an exciting, encouraging week competing with a group of actors, singers, and models, hosted by a Christian company. Everything about the competition had “excellence for the kingdom of God” stamped all over it, an aspect of the Christian walk that is dear to my heart.
There were, no doubt about it, eventual mega-stars at the competition I attended. I fully expect to see some of the faces and voices with which I became familiar over that week grace the covers of Vogue, appear on TV commercials, show up in movies or on the radio. In one workshop, a speaker cautioned us about living as if we were famous NOW. “You don’t want to one day have to answer for a compromising photo on MySpace or a questionable video on YouTube.” And of course, it was emphacized that regardless of future fame and celebrity status, the God we serve sees it all anyway.
This was all fresh in my mind as I preparing for an upcoming Bible study on revival and I found myself immersed into yet another aspect of Christian growth—repentance. Recognition of sin for what it really is leads to a repulsion of it, a healthy response to something that hurts God’s heart and seeks to hurt us and others as well. True repentance also carries a desire to make restitution for our sins, to “right the wrong.” Those steps having been taken, we can be sure of spiritual revival in our lives.
As I sat, I felt the Holy Spirit tug at my heart about one particular article I wrote—not recently, but since becoming a Christian, and definitely since I knew better. You might think it would be easy to ignore, since I used a pseudonym (note to self: if you don’t want your name connected with it, it’s probably not such a good idea!) but the Holy Spirit is impossible to ignore. Words are powerful—tools either for good, or for evil. I had written well from a technical viewpoint, had sold an article to a major secular magazine…but I had, to quote the knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “chosen poorly.”
What God gives is sacred, whether a talent for writing, singing, acting, sports, business, etc. One definition of “profane” is “to use something sacred for common use.” I am ashamed to say that by this definition, and by the standards of common decency, the article in question was extremely profane.
I used what God gave me to write something I had no business writing, for a magazine I could never, in good conscience, recommend. Whether the byline was “Ellen Gillette” or not, I wrote it. I had confessed it as sin to the Lord, had even shared it with a trusted sister who listened to that and other confessions (a scriptural practice…see James 5:16) but repentance is just part of the process. Ouch.
How could I make restitution for readers I have no way of contacting? With no way of knowing who had actually read the article, I reviewed the short list of folks I’d told (and yes, even at the time, even though I was pretty excited I’d sold to a big magazine, the type of magazine prevented my shouting it from the housetops). I decided to contact each of them and let them know that I realized writing the article was wrong, asking forgiveness for influencing them negatively and being a poor witness for Christ.
Which I ask you as well, dear reader. I’m sorry for staining the body of Christ, for dirtying her bridal gown as she waits for the coming of her Bridegroom.
What an awesome privilege it is to be able to communicate God’s love and wisdom in even this small way, every few weeks on the Internet. Great damage has been done to tender consciences through graphic written material in various forms, and the fact that I am guilty of this very thing…well, it breaks my heart.
God’s forgiveness is complete, and I look forward to a depth of revival yet unknown, but words are fairly permanent. The potential for damage continues, as does my regret. Please pray with me that somehow, God will use even my sinful actions for his glory, for he is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20-21).
Ellen Gillette, author of Baaad Sheep- When God’s People Let You Down, yet again faces the fact that she is…much too often…in that category herself. Contact her at ellenofgillette1@aol.com.
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